i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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