My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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