Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
