It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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