I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
