My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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