I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
