I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
