somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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