from now on my penis is your penis
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
