pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
we should paint friendship bongs
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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