Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
