Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
