So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
