I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
i think i just lost a toe
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
