come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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