i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just want nice things and good sex
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
