So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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