I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
