This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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