Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
