Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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