Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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