I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She's the barista slut.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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