I wish I only lived at night.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
