apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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