so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
