how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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