I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
