My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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