Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
