Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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