Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
