I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
