I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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