T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I wear drunk well.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
