He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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