so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
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