Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
