I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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