I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
