I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
