i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
