I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
