Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
