I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
