I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
