Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
