uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You may now shotgun with the bride
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
