at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
My ATM looks so different sober.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
