$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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