Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
